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» June 24, 2006
Crash
Good god. I can’t remember who exactly told me that “Crash” was a good movie, or if anyone even told me at all about it. Maybe it was just my goddamn bad judgement. No matter, this movie still blows pretty fucking hard. I’ve never, in my life, seen a more drawn-out, slow-paced reiteration of the same fucking message. I’m going to go ahead and recreate some of the movie, but instead of the “everyone is racist” message that this pile of dog shit tries to convey, I’m going to use a little more friendly of a message.
Bob drove around town in his new blue truck.
“Hey neighbor, that’s a nice blue truck you have there,” said Fred, Bob’s next door neighbor.
“What’s that? Oh, you’re talking about how my truck is blue. Yeah,” he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “it sure is blue. And it’s a truck. Blue and a truck.” Bob got out of the truck and began a deep conversation about what shade of blue each man thought the truck to be.
“Well howdy, friends,” said Earl, walking his St. Bernard down the street towards the two jovial neighbors and Bob’s blue truck. “Bob, call me crazy, but you look like you got a blue truck there.”
Bob grinned madly and pointed enthusiastically at Earl. “Yer right there, Earl. I got me a blue truck, all right.” He leaned forward. “I’ll let you in on a secret there, Earl. It’s blue.”
“And it’s a truck?” called Fred from the background.
Earl and Bob turned in unison to face Fred. “You got that right!” they cried together.
The three jolly neighbors laughed.
Yeah. That’s pretty much what the movie is, except a lot less entertaining. I’m not sure why it won any awards, but apparently, throwing Sandra Bullock, Brenden Fraiser, Tony Danza, the black guy from Ocean’s Eleven (see, now I’m racist), Ludacris, Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillipe, Marina Sirtis, and a couple other recognizable celebrities probably doesn’t hurt. The worst part of this movie (well, besides the bizarre over-acting) is the monotonous music, which I think they throw in at dramatic parts to add to the emotion. If you’ve ever seen “Magnolia”, this movie is a lot like it, but much, much worse. Funny, though: despite the fact that this movie was about racism, there was only one hispanic guy. Lots of black guys, lots of white guys, lots of asians, and one hispanic. How’s that for racism?
I really, really tried to be a hardcore critic and watch the whole movie before I gave it a big stinking F on its coffee-stained report card, but I just couldn’t. Films like this are what the “skip scene” button was made for. I did watch the ending though, and it wasn’t any better. Let’s put it this way: My dog just ate a plastic bag earlier today while I was out. When I got home, I let him out, and when I went to call him back in, I found a long piece of shit-coated plastic bag hanging from his asshole like some sort of obscene tail. Probably a couple feet long. I had the awesome time of removing it with two plastic bags (how ironic) around my hand as a glove, and then wrapping it all up like a christmas gift for a bestiality-obsessed fecophiliac, I threw it in my dumpster. That experience was better than watching this movie.
I’m probably going to lose sleep tonight over why anyone in their right mind thought this movie was good. It makes me crazy that people pay money to produce this shit. And it makes me angry that people read the script and thought it'd be a positive career move to fucking act in it! What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
Folks. Seriously. Masturbation is good. Gatorade is good. At times, eating large quantities of hard-boiled eggs can be good.
But “Crash”?
Fuck that noise.
"My dog just ate a plastic bag earlier today while I was out. When I got home, I let him out, and when I went to call him back in, I found a long piece of shit-coated plastic bag hanging from his asshole like some sort of obscene tail. Probably a couple feet long. I had the awesome time of removing it with two plastic bags (how ironic) around my hand as a glove, and then wrapping it all up like a christmas gift for a bestiality-obsessed fecophiliac, I threw it in my dumpster. That experience was better than watching this movie."
I practially snorted water all over the keyboard at this. Was it Jason or Trevor who was the offending animal?
JAB
Jason. Fucking Jason.
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