» July 06, 2006
hey
Yes, hello. As of right now, you will require a typekey password and all that jazz to leave a comment. I don't know how to do it, so good luck.
» February 20, 2006
Stop the presses!
Well, the rumors you've been hearing all across the internet, the rumors spreading through every alt.net user group, the rumors that spam your mailbox, they're all true. I have finally thought of something to write on this site. However, it's not going to happen today. Before the end of this week, look for part one of my five(or ten, depending on when I run out of ideas)-part series on "The Five or Ten Best Video Games That are Awesome." Following that will probably be something on cartoons that most influenced me, and then maybe the top 25 movies from the 80's! Well, not the 80's, and DEFINITELY not 25 of them either. But maybe we'll go with five or ten; that seems to be a pretty good number(s).
Well, that's all. Feel free to go back to your petty, meaningless lives.
» January 11, 2006
2 Grande Pieces!
Jesusflavoredicecream: Hey baby, what’s up?
Htgrl4u2004: hi ;)
Jesusflavoredicecream: So, are we gonna get started?
Htgrl4u2004: whenever u want tiger ;)
Jesusflavoredicecream: All right, let me whip my schlong out. Wait, wait. Hold on. I see that your screen name is Htgrl4u2004.
Htgrl4u2004: yes it is
Jesusflavoredicecream: it’s 2005, what the fuck. Couldn’t afford to upgrade from last year’s model?
Htgrl4u2004: i dont need to change it its fine the way it is
Jesusflavoredicecream: Fine, whatever. Okay, so how old are you?
Htgrl4u2004: 18
Jesusflavoredicecream: No, no. That won’t do. How about…you’re 12, and I’m a Jewish clown. Your birthday party has just ended and your parents are driving all of your underage friends home. Just you and Hershel.
Htgrl4u2004: what the fuck
Jesusflavoredicecream: I'm taking my giant clown shoes off and then my oversized novelty suspenders and green trousers. God you're hot. My clown makeup is dripping with sweat. I’m gonna make you a woman, just in time for your bar mitzvah.
Htgrl4u2004: Girls don’t have bar mitzvahs and you are fucking gross
Jesusflavoredicecream: What? Oh right, those are for boys. Let’s say you had your leg amputated and it’s a party celebrating that you made it because you also have cancer. That’s pretty hot, right? I mean, I got a boner just thinking that up.
Htgrl4u2004: i dont want to play this anymore
Jesusflavoredicecream: I was gonna shave your vagina, but it looks like the chemo got to you first. Come on baldie, my dick is kosher.
Htgrl4u2004: im reporting you
Jesusflavoredicecream: fine, I’ll go watch some shit porn; god knows it has more character than you.
Htgrl4u2004 signed off at 3:45 A.M.
Jesusflavoredicecream: bitch.
» December 27, 2005
Oh right, I write reviews too...?
Heh, whoops. I forgot I had this site. Um, hello. I'll update this sometime in the, um...near future. Yeah, near future. That'll hold you vultures back for another month.
» November 29, 2005
Crikey, my site's been updated right in the butt 'ole!
If the title didn't already explain to you what's going on, then you can be goddamn sure that I'm not going to explain it again.
» October 05, 2005
promises, all of them hopefully unkept
Look, I got a lot of shit to write about. I have some new cds, some new movies, and even a goddamn Jules Verne novel (which I need to finish first.) However, my excuse for not writing is the same as it always is - fifty-five hour work weeks and sometimes even an extra day of work thrown on top (with no pay of course.) To say that this makes for a hectic schedule would be putting it rather mildly. On top of all that, there are about a million things going through my life right now, and nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand of them are not good things. Life is pretty hard right now. Hard like a priest at a playground. There are only a few things keeping me afloat, and staying the fuck off of the internet is one of them. Someday, yes, you'll read a shiny new review that will wow you so hard you'll ejaculate. Yes, someday, I'll have new rants, new hilarious IM conversations, and maybe I'll have some new video games to talk about too, providing my birthday goes as planned. You'll have things you'll want to talk about; I will too. So neighbor, keep on trucking, and I'll see you the hell later, because this caucasian is gonna keep it real. Peace out.
» August 23, 2005
whatever
Man, fucking with idiots is way better than writing reviews.
Bangladesh#1stunna: Hey you’re rollin on dubs?
Rolnondubz5000: who is this
Bangladesh#1stunna: Gerald, like it fucking matters. What do you drive?
Rolnondubz5000: 91 camaro
Bangladesh#1stunna: A Camaro?! What the fuck is wrong with you? My ride could kick your ride’s ass and have sex with its mother on top of your car’s rotten chassis.
Rolnondubz5000: hey fuck u what do u drive thats so bad
Bangladesh#1stunna: Me? A Conestoga. And my pimp ass is riding on forty-two’s.
Rolnondubz5000: wtf they dont make 42s
Bangladesh#1stunna: What are you some kind of expert? I bet you couldn’t withstand the awesome power that is the Conestoga. Fucking OG car right there.
Rolnondubz5000: what the fuck is a conestoga
Bangladesh#1stunna: It’s sweet dude. Rag top; it’s 10 ft by 3 ½ ft. And it’s got like blankets, hatchets, flour, bacon, a dutch oven, an auger, some canned food and shit, and at least two bitches in the back, but they usually have to walk outside. Not a lot of room with the supplies.
Rolnondubz5000: i have never heard of a car like that is that even a car
Bangladesh#1stunna: Your spelling and grammar say so much about you. Yes it’s a fucking car, what else am I supposed to put my forty-two inch hardwood Spreewells on?
Rolnondubz5000: what
Bangladesh#1stunna: that’s right, they spin, with a little help from some bacon fat to grease the bearings. Sometimes my axles break but I just stop at a forest and chop some wood and fix that shit up. I took it to a shop to put some hydraulics on it but they was like “Man we can’t touch that, it’s a classic.” So maybe you should read up on your cars, son.
Rolnondubz5000: man what does it look like do u have a picture
Bangladesh#1stunna: Yeah, let me send it to you.
Rolnondubz5000: what the fuck this is a wagon not a car you dumbshit
Bangladesh#1stunna: Dumbshit? Don’t make me load up my black powder rifle and blow a hole in your head with my antique ammunition! You better back the fuck up.
Rolnondubz5000: man fuck u
Bangladesh#1stunna: If you’re going to keep saying that, I’m going to leave.
And I did, unfortunately. My tater tots were ready. Speaking of which, Napoleon Dynamite was fucking awesome. Man that movie was great. Hey, I guess there was room for a review in here after all. You're welcome.
» August 18, 2005
dfol is so awesome
You know what? Fuck everyone who didn't like the Dukes of Hazzard movie. That movie was great. Fucking hilarious, and fucking brilliant. Eat shit, people whose tastes differ from mine.
That being said, here is something a little different from a review, but hell, I thought it was funny.
Bored with your current internet lingo while wasting your life on AIM? Well then, have a try with one of these new phrases, sure to be a big hit with your friends!
Maroon5rox: hey
xLOLpunk666x: who the fuck is this
Maroon5rox: this is Kelli, remember we met in that chatroom last week
XLOLpunk666x: was I a girl or a boy when you talked to me
Maroon5rox: um you said you were a boy
XLOLpunk666x: right. so what do you want
Maroon5rox: just wondering how you are you said you were sick
XLOLpunk666x: fuck I don’t remember last week at all. Must’ve been high
Maroon5rox: lol you’re funny
XLOLpunk666x: what the fuck is lol
Maroon5rox: laugh out loud silly dont you use that
XLOLpunk666x: no you’re a fucking idiot. oh man I just had a total dfol
Maroon5rox: whats that
XLOLpunk666x: Diarrhea fart out loud. Man it was so wet and it stinks so bad, I think my underpants are ‘greasy with the fecee’ if you know what I’m talkin about
Maroon5rox: that’s gross
XLOLpunk666x: you should smell this, it’s like a thousand people just shit in my pants all at once
Maroon5rox: I thought you said you were christian
XLOLpunk666x: hey baby even god has to shit hardcore sometimes
Maroon5rox: your gross im blocking you
XLOLpunk666x: when you have a diarrhea fart you’ll thank me for that phrase bitch
Stay tuned for more, which in reality is probably never.
» August 15, 2005
Thor's angry lightning god reviews
Nothing beats cramming a bunch of reviews into one big review, because not only do I have to write a lot less, you as the reader can read my point in one or two sentences, rather than paragraph after paragraph of filler bullshit. Yes, I do admit that my reviews are eighty percent filler, but so are McDonalds hamburgers, and look how rich they are!
That being said, I’ve taken the liberty of letting my best god friend Thor the Thunder God write these following quick reviews. Enjoy, and I hope you understand what he wrote, because I sure as hell didn’t.
Welcome – Taproot (cd) – Thor approves of this cd. It makes Thor feel itchy, as if a million fire ants were to rain from the skies, biting everything they land upon. Of course, Thor would not be itchy, because he sits in a sweet chair made of gold and the bones of his slaves.
Men In Black 2 (Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones) – Thor has seen some shitty movies lately, because he watches them with best mortal friend Nate, but Men in the Black Clothing the Sequel is very funny and neat to watch. Mortal friend Nate says he was surprised it was so funny and that he wasn’t bored at all while watching it. Thor thinks mortal friend Nate is retarded sometimes.
Dukes of Hazzard (Sean William Scott, Jonathan Knoxville) – Thor enjoyed this movie quite a bit, as did mortal friend Nate. Thor enjoys Super Troopers and fortunately, this movie is similar, so no one will die today. However, Thor does not understand automobiles. Thor flies everywhere; automobiles are not necessary. Thor thinks that viking helmets and angry threats are probably more attractive to the naked women of Mount Olympus than orange automobiles with racist banners painted on their roofs. But what does Thor know, he only has like fifty million naked women to feed him grapes and have sexual relations with him for eternity.
Okay, that’s it for these reviews, because they provide no reviewing, just some asshole named Thor talking about ants and some shit. Forget I even wrote this drivel. (and yet I still post it!)
» July 01, 2005
epiphany
I was sitting here, constantly clicking "Send-Receive" on Outlook, hoping someone would email me, when it dawned on me.
I write the best goddamn reviews in the world. If that notion makes you mad, just hang on.
Think about it. Nobody can top me.
That's all, you can go about your business.