» August 25, 2006
Clerks 2
Despite everything you may or may not have heard about Kevin Smith and View Askew’s latest movie, Clerks 2 is actually a very enjoyable stand-alone sequel to the critically-confused Clerks from like ten years ago. And thankfully this movie has very little in common with its plotless ancestor. I use “plotless” in a kind manner; it was an interesting movie, but it just wasn’t amazing...it was more like boring as fuck. Clerks 2 will fool you in the beginning with some obscure banter that seems to reflect its slow counterpart, but soon moves into a relatively serious plot with some fucking strange events happening alongside it.
Clerks 2 stars Dante and Randall, the lame heroes from the prequel. It also stars Jay and Silent Bob, who have just returned from rehab and are still selling drugs in front of stores. You know, typical Kevin smith shit. But damn if it isn’t good. The lines are clever, obscene, and thought-provoking at all once. I mean, while I myself have had discussions with people about A2M, or "ass to mouth", some people might find the subject a little unsettling, especially since there is so much of it in the movie. There is even a rather strange scene regarding racial slurs, which is pretty funny if you're a piece of shit like me.
Everything you’d expect from a Smith movie is here in spades: vulgarity, nudity, religion, sex, and completely bizarre things, which I won’t get into so as not to spoil the movie. It’s short enough that I didn’t look at my watch, and it was long enough that I didn’t feel like I’d been shortchanged on my ticket. Dante thankfully has dropped the "I'm not even supposed to be here today" line from the first movie; the line is only said once in the Clerks 2, and it's not by Dante! Randall continues to be sarcastic, idiotic, and utterly hilarious. Jay and Silent Bob couldn't be any more in character, which luckily includes all the sexual innuendo and drug references, as well as some brief insight by Silent Bob. Well, perhaps less insightful than his previous lines, but it's still funny.
The really odd part of this movie is that behind me in the theater was a really old couple. I mean old, like 60’s or 70’s, and they laughed hysterically at every scene in this movie. Every conversation was just hilarious to them. I don’t disagree that it was funny, but I never thought I’d hear old people laughing about bestiality jokes. I have to say, it really made me feel better about society when old people can still be open about that sort of thing. So anyway, go see this movie. For right now, just feel like an asshole about not having seen it yet. You asshole.
Rock over London; rock on Chicago.
AARP, protecting old people the world over.
» June 24, 2006
Crash
Good god. I can’t remember who exactly told me that “Crash” was a good movie, or if anyone even told me at all about it. Maybe it was just my goddamn bad judgement. No matter, this movie still blows pretty fucking hard. I’ve never, in my life, seen a more drawn-out, slow-paced reiteration of the same fucking message. I’m going to go ahead and recreate some of the movie, but instead of the “everyone is racist” message that this pile of dog shit tries to convey, I’m going to use a little more friendly of a message.
Bob drove around town in his new blue truck.
“Hey neighbor, that’s a nice blue truck you have there,” said Fred, Bob’s next door neighbor.
“What’s that? Oh, you’re talking about how my truck is blue. Yeah,” he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “it sure is blue. And it’s a truck. Blue and a truck.” Bob got out of the truck and began a deep conversation about what shade of blue each man thought the truck to be.
“Well howdy, friends,” said Earl, walking his St. Bernard down the street towards the two jovial neighbors and Bob’s blue truck. “Bob, call me crazy, but you look like you got a blue truck there.”
Bob grinned madly and pointed enthusiastically at Earl. “Yer right there, Earl. I got me a blue truck, all right.” He leaned forward. “I’ll let you in on a secret there, Earl. It’s blue.”
“And it’s a truck?” called Fred from the background.
Earl and Bob turned in unison to face Fred. “You got that right!” they cried together.
The three jolly neighbors laughed.
Yeah. That’s pretty much what the movie is, except a lot less entertaining. I’m not sure why it won any awards, but apparently, throwing Sandra Bullock, Brenden Fraiser, Tony Danza, the black guy from Ocean’s Eleven (see, now I’m racist), Ludacris, Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillipe, Marina Sirtis, and a couple other recognizable celebrities probably doesn’t hurt. The worst part of this movie (well, besides the bizarre over-acting) is the monotonous music, which I think they throw in at dramatic parts to add to the emotion. If you’ve ever seen “Magnolia”, this movie is a lot like it, but much, much worse. Funny, though: despite the fact that this movie was about racism, there was only one hispanic guy. Lots of black guys, lots of white guys, lots of asians, and one hispanic. How’s that for racism?
I really, really tried to be a hardcore critic and watch the whole movie before I gave it a big stinking F on its coffee-stained report card, but I just couldn’t. Films like this are what the “skip scene” button was made for. I did watch the ending though, and it wasn’t any better. Let’s put it this way: My dog just ate a plastic bag earlier today while I was out. When I got home, I let him out, and when I went to call him back in, I found a long piece of shit-coated plastic bag hanging from his asshole like some sort of obscene tail. Probably a couple feet long. I had the awesome time of removing it with two plastic bags (how ironic) around my hand as a glove, and then wrapping it all up like a christmas gift for a bestiality-obsessed fecophiliac, I threw it in my dumpster. That experience was better than watching this movie.
I’m probably going to lose sleep tonight over why anyone in their right mind thought this movie was good. It makes me crazy that people pay money to produce this shit. And it makes me angry that people read the script and thought it'd be a positive career move to fucking act in it! What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
Folks. Seriously. Masturbation is good. Gatorade is good. At times, eating large quantities of hard-boiled eggs can be good.
But “Crash”?
Fuck that noise.
» November 1, 2005
quickie with a capital fuck
Saw 2 was fucking great.
» July 23, 2005
The Devil's Rejects
I now know what my purpose is in life.
I have to kill Lions Gate Films.
I recently discovered my lifes hidden ambition while watching The Devils Rejects, the sequel to the ever-popular House of 1,000 Corpses. At first, the movie had my attention with an outlandish shootout at the Firefly House, but quickly following that, the movie degraded into utter nonsense, and then total bullshit. I was so bored during this movie that I frequently tried to fall asleep, but to no avail. I thought about visiting the bathroom for an extended period of time; hell, I even thought about telling everyone that I would be waiting in the car. But obviously, my true calling is to destroy the producers who fund these inane retard circuses.
The Devils Rejects is definitely not what House of 1,000 Corpses was, but being different is usually a bad thing. Whereas the latter was a real horror movie, harking back to the old days where people needed a guy like Leatherface to just up and scare the shit out of them, the former is honestly nothing but a lame chase movie. The cops chase the Firefly family through Texas, and then its over. Sure, its got gritty 70s changeover techniques, appropriate scenery, vehicles and dressing, as well as a pretty good soundtrack, but the fact remains that the movie is really boring. Not a whole lot happens, and when it does, all I could think was Why are they even doing this? Most of it didnt make sense, and when it did, it was still so poorly done that I was honestly considering diving head-first into the rows below instead of having to see any more of this.
Some asshole in The Springfield News-Sun had the audacity to call this movie the best horror film in 30 years and, of all things, compare it to Saw, which the author called a snuff piece of trash. I happen to think that its very much the other way around. While Saw certainly wasnt the best horror film in 30 years (I honestly couldnt tell you what was either), The Devils Rejects is absolute snuff. Killing for the sake of killing. The movie actually has the balls, later on, to switch the roles of the Firefly family and the vigilante cop, and I didn't give two shits. Fuck them. Stupid assholes, crying and whining about not wanting to die when they are obviously nothing but psychopaths who just kill all day long. Who gives a fuck about them. Spare me your sympathetic bullshit and END THE FUCKING MOVIE. I did not pay $6.50 to watch a snuff film, and I will fight anybody who says that Im stupid or weak for hating this crusty decomposing alligator cock of a movie.
The characters lost what made them so cool to watch in the first film, and also lost themselves to a sparse script, lame plot, and no real sense of direction. I just dont get what Rob Zombie was trying to do here. He obviously wasnt trying to make art, and he obviously wasnt trying to make any form of entertainment. This was so awful that Id rather watch that fuck-turd Resident Evil: Apocalypse than see this again. At least that movie was funny. I do know whos to blame here, though. Dawn of the Dead. Why? Because it made me trust the movie theaters again. With a movie that good leading to a movie this fucking repulsive, the cons always outweigh the pros.
That being said, I am currently hiring for an accomplice/partner in arms to help me locate, drive to, and destroy the Lions Gate Entertainment headquarters. Oh, and having your own C4 is a plus. Just leave a message on the comments if youre interested.
UPDATE: My friend from work, upon me saying I didn't like the movie, said "I loved it, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" So far, I only know of one other person who did not like this movie. This also makes me a very small minority. However, I will stick to my opinions, and I will hate this movie forever with a passion. He also said one other thing that was really what I had been thinking all along, but couldn't put into words: This movie was realistic, whereas House of 1,000 Corpses was very unrealistic, what with Dr. Satan in the basement and all that other weird shit. So goddammit, who the fuck cares? Obviously, Rob Zombie is no good at realistic movies, and he can lick my ass and suck on my sweaty balls for all I care.
» July 20, 2005
Blind Swordsman Zatoichi
Subtitles, if you think about it, are a very good method of telling fans from impatient ADD-stricken brats. If you dont have the patience to sit, watch and read, then youre not good enough to enjoy the movie. Simple as that. You cant go in the other room and listen, because unless you know foreign languages, then you are fucked.
Blind Swordsman Zatoichi, riddled with subtitles, tells the story of a wandering, sightless swordsman who happens upon a feud between two rival clans. Since he cant see, Zatoichi kicks super mega ass in every other department. He cuts people apart before they can even think about maybe reaching for their sword to maybe attack him. He can tell when a dice game is rigged. He can even tell that a geisha is actually a dude in drag. What cant he do?
Well, he cant lose. This motherfucker never gets his shit stomped, never gets touched, never even cries and runs when fifty guys are coming at him. So awesome. The computer-added blood that sprays from every victim is fucking sweet too. What else makes this movie so awesome is the retarded fat guy who wears a samurai costume and underwear and runs screaming throughout various scenes. Additionally, you can see him and everyone else in a crazy Japanese Lord of the Dance thing at the end, which is fucking weird.
Well, bought time I hit the old dusty trail.
» July 17, 2005
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Kill me, please.
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Ive seen some bad movies in my time. I mean, Ive seen some real shit thrown together lately. But no pile of shitty movies combined can compare to the raw, unadulterated, moldy log of dog turd that is Resident Evil: Apocalypse. This is without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen. I dont know whats worse, the fact that it was so bad, or the fact that I had to see it the whole way through to give an honest review. For that matter, whats the worst part of all here, the fact that professional actors read this script and made a commitment to this filth, the fact that people were paid real, actual money to make this film, the fact that people went to the theater to see this and told their friends to see it, the fact that people actually liked this film, or the fact that no one associated with this film was drug out into a busy street and shot?
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Jesus Christ this was drivel. Wait no, drivel is awesome compared to this festering stink-log of rectal waste. How the fuck does an originally airborne virus spread to some people but not to others? And for those not infected, how does a bite infect them? Is there no immunity? When the dead are walking the streets, would you take your injured comrade to a goddamn child-molesting GRAVEYARD to tend to his wounds? And for that matter, how are people that are already dead exposed to this virus and coming back to life? Yeah, I know it regenerates dead cells, but dead is dead.
This was worse than the worst diarrhea I have ever had, because of two reasons:
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1) Diarrhea has a much better plot and script, and the acting is incredible.
2) Diarrhea is only about fifteen minutes long, a half hour tops if you have the explosive variety. When its over, you wipe and forget.
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No wiping can ever erase this travesty. NAMBLA wouldnt even get near this movie, no matter how bad their child-lovers wanted them to rent it. Hell, the KKK even said that this movie was awful, and was quoted in saying,
If black people had made this movie, it would have been so much cooler.
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As long as were talking about black people, what was up with that black dude in the movie? Motherfucker was every other word out of his talentless ass. Jax from Mortal Kombat 2 was fucking Denzel Washington compared to this hack. Gold pistols, some shit about Cadillacs, some other shit about picking up hookersmaybe this was a KKK effort, after all. Racist piece of shit that it is, considering that was the only black guy who didnt die, and was one out of two black guys in the whole movie.
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Why did everyone have an accent? Why did Jill Valentine wear the same dumbass outfit from the video game? How could I tell which people were going to die from the moment their character was introduced? Why do actors and actresses throw their careers away when a script like this comes their way? Would you have honestly paged through this sadistic work of toilet-humor and made a decision to be in this? Would you? No, you wouldnt, even if you had said yes. Because I wouldnt let you. This is ridiculous. I do not, for the life of me, understand how these things happen. First there was the Holocaust. The Armenian Genocide. The tragedies in all the third world countries. The dictatorial conquest of Iraq by the US. And thenResident Evil: Apocalypse. I sincerely hope that someone was burned, tortured, maimed, molested, murdered, butchered, chopped up, insulting, spit upon, stoned to death, eaten alive by worms, bled to death, pulled apart by a rack, fed face first to an industrial belt sander, defenestrated from a twentieth-story window, crushed under falling rock, hit by a Mack truck, blasted apart with a rail gun, run into by a bulldozer, maimed by sharks, fed to alligators, shot in the chest by the reincarnation of John Wilkes Booth, quartered with blades and sent to the four corners of England, killed in a swordfight, poisoned, papercut to death, beaten down with a brick, drowned under a covered pool, suffocated by a shit-stained pillow, kicked with steel-toes mercilessly, and made to watch Fox News during any of the aforementioned methods of pain for having anything to do with this movie.
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This is sick. Scat porn would win the Emmy if it was going against this rock-hard pile of earthworm dung.
Fuck, even thinking about this movie makes me sick.
» July 12, 2005
Open Water
Like any good vacation movie, Open Water pits two young, energetic lovers in a hopeless battle against man-eating sharks. You might call them hopeless romantics. Right from the moment the sharks begin nipping at the two, you can tell that theyd rather be locked in a BDSM chamber, beaten into submission by a gang of Norwegian bondage dwarves than continue on this shitty vacation. The sharks fuck them up pretty good, and the weird part is that no one lives. Not only does no one live, but also the deaths are pretty gruesome, even though its all in your head. No happy ending, unless you are a shark watching this movie, then youd probably think it was pretty fucking sweet.
I can tell a Lions Gate film a mile away, I tell you. This one was deceptive. The first ten seconds of the film, its washy and grainy, yeah, but I knew that this movie had been at theaters, and I was pretty sure that Lions Gate steered clear of major theaters like the Grand Cyclops steers clear of Compton on his KKK-sponsored road trip through New York. However, its not the case here. Moments later, another washed-out scene. And then another. And realistic dialogue?!
What the fuck is going on? I shouted, punting Trevor into a wall. I was furious, there had to be an explanation! And then I saw the LGF logo on the box, and I had all the answers I needed. I continued watching the movie, and eventually Trevor fell from the indentation in the wall. He's been there for days; he might be dead, I don't really know. I'm too busy to check for things like that. As in all LGF movies, there is total, but brief female nudity (which must be a prerequisite to have them make your movie) and lots of small talk between the characters, which adds no foreshadowing whatsoever, and doesnt lead in or build up to the climax of the movie. So what, its indie. Indie is in these days, and its obviously turning into a real juggernaut.
So of all the pretty dilettante-looking LGF films Ive seen recently, this one was the best, even though the plot got stuck halfway through and never went anywhere until the credits started rolling.
» July 2, 2005
Alien vs. Predator
As it began, I wondered if I was about to watch the greatest and best movie that had ever existed. I had impossibly high hopes about it, figuring it would far exceed even my lofty standards.
Before I go any further, let me go back to a review I posted yesterday. Van Helsing could have been a very good movie. It had the potential to be great. It failed miserably, of course. Alien vs. Predator, however, took a very popular and undoubtedly awesome premise and did honorably although it didnt exactly meet with my total approval, either. Close, but not all the way.
The plot, which is told through the puny humans point of view, is somewhat boring. I think they chose the humans because it would be harder to relate with the aliens or the predators, but I was happy to see every miserable one of those weak fleshbags die. They didnt know what was going on till there were only two of them left, and even then, it took one more to get killed for the other one to go, Oh shit, maybe I should get my black ass out of this pool. Their guns were worthless, their attitudes were a little too confident, and they were totally unprepared. Awesome. Humans suck. Arnold may have proven a worthy adversary in the original Predator, and I suppose Danny G. can have the benefit of the doubt, because thats affirmative action, but all the lads in AVP deserved what they got. Seriously. Humans are slow, stupid, they have no extra-powerful heat vision, no acid blood, no exoskeleton, no retractable spears, no badass spaceships (the space shuttle is not badass), and no upper hand in this war between the dedicated hunter and the bloodthirsty prey.
So, hot predator-on-alien action was the meat of this movie, as Im sure anyone whos seen it can attest to. I didnt expect every predator to get his shit ruined by the aliens so quickly, and I sure as hell didnt expect to see some hot alien-queen-on-black-chick action either. Thats not my thing. But man, the fight scenes were hotter than anything Ive seen lately. The predator comes walking casually onscreen, and you just know that something awesome is about to happen. You see the alien crawling from behind the hapless human, and you cant wait to see some humans get the shit torn out of them. You see the human, flailing his arms and crying like a stupid baby, and you know that you wont feel bad about it.
So really, the only thing that made this movie not the best movie ever was the fact that it had stupid humans in it. I mean, I know they got killed and it was awesome, but they were dumb enough to go in the pyramids and actually start the whole mess, so this is all their fault, obviously. I could have been cool with the movie opening into a predator kicking an aliens ass for an hour and a half. Thatd be a-okay with me. Okay, well that reminds me of the other shitty thing about this movie. Even watching the extended version, it was only an hour and forty minutes. That was way too short for such a sweet action flick. Why couldnt Van Helsing have been an hour and a half, instead of two and a half hours? AVP told a much better story line in much less time, and I dont feel like sitting down on the freeway after I saw this. And with a mysterious and spooky (okay, it wasnt, I lied) ending, I bet the sequel, whenever that comes out, will be awesome too.
» July 1, 2005
Van Helsing
Despite my revelations with About Schmidt, it seems that you can still get a shitty movie from the library for free and find plenty of time to tell people how much it sucks.
What the fuck is up with Van Helsing? Just when I thought that the age of hacked-apart, sewn-back-together barf-fests had seen its last atrocity come out of the meat grinder years ago, a movie like Van Helsing comes along and proves me totally wrong.
Gee, thanks, asshole.
Why did this movie suck so bad? If youre asking, then you havent seen it. Hugh Jackman by himself isnt so bad. He made a decent Wolverine, and his gruff attitude makes up for any lack of acting ability he may have. But how about making him a quiet bad-ass monster hunter who I could swear forgets his accent for half the movie? Its not happening, man. I could not get into this movie at all. Yes, I got it from the library, knowing full well that I had zero interest in it, but that since it was free, I would give it the benefit of the doubt. Well, let me tell you: I have no doubts that the dialogue was written by a deaf retard, no doubts the plot was tacked together with all the care of a Malaysian sweatshop worker, and the rest of the moviewell, lets just say Id rather find a hardened dog turd in my Etnies than watch this again. Two and a half hours that I will never get back. Two and a half hours that I want back.
The coincidences in this movie pile up like the a hookers positive STD tests. It seems that nearly every enemy (Mr. Hyde, Igor, two out of the three vampire bitches, The original werewolf, and probably a few others) all die by falling to the ground. Like maybe two guys get killed on the ground. All the others fall to their deaths, or die in the air. Never having to show anyone actually hit the ground and die must save a lot of money at the mentally retarded graphic artists' studio. Having Igor fall a thousand feet into fog may tell the kids that hes dead, but all it tells me is that someone was too lazy to show an asshole henchman obscenely and satisfyingly splattering on a canyon floor. And all the swinging from ropes had me wondering why any of them were there in the first place, and how they all just happened to land the character exactly where they needed to be. Plus, Van Helsing is fighting Dracula, right, and he knows that at exactly midnight, hell turn into a werewolf. He must have waited till 11:58 and given himself a minute to get in there, because no sooner does he start fighting than they both stop, look at the clock (which oh so conveniently turns 12), and suddenly our man Van has the upper hand.
On that note, there was one cool scene in the movie, which happens to be that same one. I love werewolves and I hate vampires, so it was cool to see that someone is retelling the story that they are mortal enemies.
But oh, the dialogue. Whoever wrote it went to great lengths to not only bore me, but annoy the hell out of me. Cheesy lines are inevitable, but the whole movie shouldnt consist entirely of them. The vampire bitches were so annoying when in their computer-animated form, they had to fucking tell the audience every single thing they were going to do, as if we werent able to figure this out ourselves.
And, and, the DVD came with an Xbox preview of the game, which I played, and can honestly say is one of the most bland and lifeless games Ive ever played. I didnt even get through the first level, it was so boring and confusing. Every button did some different thing, but nothing was worth doing except pressing the button that ejected that DVD from my poor Xbox. I hope it didnt put a virus on it.
So, if you happen to be at the library and see this on the 7 Day rack, just let it go. Let someone else waste their life on it.
» June 27, 2005
review combo #253, with BVD Selects and chunky diarrhea sauce
Okay, heres more library movie reviews. Because its fun, for each review I have a one-word review (not including the word fuck), and a ten word or less review. I like a challenge.
SHAFT (remake) - Samuel Jackson, Vanessa Williams
1 WORD REVIEW FUCKING LAME
10 WORD REVIEW entertaining, but really, really stupid. Similar to self-mutilation.
APOCALYPSE NOW (not the redux) - Martin Sheen, Marlon Brando
1 WORD REVIEW FUCKING AWESOME
10 WORD REVIEW I cannot describe how fucking awesome this movie is. Beautiful.
THE CROW - BRANDON LEE, NO OTHER RECOGNIZABLE CHARACTERS
1 WORD REVIEW FUCKING SWEET
10 WORD REVIEW dark, gothic, a little vague, but still really damn cool.
Thats all, besides Best in Show which I already reviewed. Im Bob Barker, please spay or neuter your pets.